Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dear Mom,

For the past few days, I've been anxiously anticipating the next few weeks that are ahead of me.  I don't mean the trips & responsibilities that I have, I mean reflecting on the past...on the particular dates coming up.

If I had known then, (then being on this day last year), what I know now....I wouldn't have gone to Long Beach, WA.

Last year on this day, I took a 3 day vacation without the kids with Marcel for our anniversary.  We slept in, had breakfast & decided to take a drive on the beach that stretched for miles.  I scolded him for driving too close to the water, because I was afraid that we'd get swept out to sea.  We drove by a family who was posing with a penguin & he made fun of me for "seeing things."  We made a u-turn so that he could see that I was right & he was wrong.  We made another u-turn to go back in the direction we were headed & drove until we saw signs indicating that we couldn't go any further.

So again, we made another u-turn & headed back where we came from.  Again, I yelled at him to get away from the water, because this time it was on my side & if we get swept out, he'd have a chance to jump out of the truck & i'd be stuck, because I can't swim.

And then my phone rang.  "Auntie Sue" on my caller i.d.  I answered excitedly, because I knew that it was around the time that you'd be getting out of your appointment & that she'd have an update for me.  Perhaps I had hoped that she'd tell me that they found nothing & that it's miraculously all gone.  Isn't that what everyone hopes for?

That's not what she told me.  In fact, when I answered, I don't even think I said "hello," I think I just said "how'd it go?" because I was anxiously awaiting this call.  She was crying & said "not good."  She told me that the cancer had spread to Mom's brain.  There was 4 tumors.  I really don't remember much after that, only that I was silent, crying & shaking.

I felt so awful for not being there at THAT particular appointment.  More so that one, because I don't think that I had missed any appointments up to that point.  And the one that handed a huge let down?  Just not ok.

Marcel found a driveway to get off of the beach & I told him that I just wanted to go back to the room.  I made phone calls to everyone because I wasn't home.  I cried off & on for hours.  I knew that I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't want to fall apart on the phone, so I waited until about 4 hours later.

And when you answered & I asked how you were doing, you said...

"Good. Now that I ate something."

That's how I knew you were ready to fight some more & I knew you'd be ok until I got home the next day.

As I leave this weekend to go with the gang to Ka Hula Hou, I will scream, I will have fun & I will help Uncle & the boys out the best that I know how, because I know that's what you would do & what you want done.

By the way, look at the Ka Hula Hou promo video...you're in it!! :)



I love you so much!! And miss you more & more every day.