I can't believe that you've been gone a year. It's just crazy that a year has passed already. I enjoyed spending the weekend with everyone celebrating your life.
We did a little crying last night as we started off the evening by watching the video that Kimo made for your service. I wanted to burst in to tears as soon as it started. I forgot that the first song was of you singing No Keaha No Oe. There were several of those moments during that
video, again when Keanu O Waimea came on. I also laughed at some of the photos because it took me back to those particular moments...like when you all were playing PIG after the Easter Egg Hunt & you & Alaka'i were fighting for the penny. Then we moved on to the video that Melissa Ponder took of your interview about living with cancer. I wanted to watch it because we hadn't seen those "Sweetie" moments in so long. The way you'd talk about certain things, the way you'd roll your eyes, how you'd almost start to cry about certain topics...i think everyone enjoyed that video. We ate a ton for you also & there was NO leftovers!!
Today we celebrated by, of course, eating...playing "Minute To Win It" games & releasing a few green balloons. We were unable to get everyone a balloon like I'd wanted, but we did release 12....well 11. Alaka'i & Kapua went into the office to write something on the balloons with a Sharpie & I guess while Alaka'i was writing on his, his balloon popped....LOL. Everyone laughed when they found out, because if anyone...it would be his that popped. Too funny. I hope that you caught all of our balloons, including Ry's who we seriously had to PRY from her fingers & went up last after everyone's was gone. I waited until I couldn't see hers anymore & then we went in.
I know that you continuously watch over all of us. I hope that you are so happy & are throwing your own celebration with games & food with all of our friends & family up there. May you have a beautiful night celebrating eternal life....i love you more than anything.
I don't remember much before noon'ish. I do remember that I needed to meet my hula sister at safeway, because she was going to be taking Ry while we take Mom to the Cancer Care Alliance. I met my hula sister, ran in to an old friend while walking out of the store, then took Ry & all her stuff to pack her up with my hula sister & I was off to Mom & Dad's house. When I got there, they were waiting for me....Mom, Dad, Uncle Glenn & Auntie Momi. Dad had planned to take his own car in case her appointment ran later & he had to go straight to work. He had put the wheelchair in the back of the van, so that we can just push Mom around in it, so she'd be more comfortable. I drove. We stopped by to pick up Auntie Sue & Uncle Pete at their house & we were off to Seattle. Mom was quiet. She was tired. She had spent the day before at the casino with Dad. All day...like from 1-2pm til around midnight i think. (they were trying to win some drawing that you had to be present to win) She fell asleep off & on all the way to Seattle.
When we arrived, we went to the wrong floor. We laughed. Not long after sitting in the waiting room, we were called back. Uncle Pete & I went with Mom into a small conference type room where the lady discussed hospice care with us. Mom didn't want to have that meeting at all, but I talked her into it. For me, it was knowledge for when the time came...in case we ever wanted to use it. She still didn't like it. After that meeting we headed straight to the actual appointment. She jumped on the scale & had lost, I believe, another 6lbs from the last time she was weighed. We went in to the room & waited. A girl nurse came in to check Mom out. She was from Hawaii too. She & Mom talked about hula & how we'd just come home from a hula competition, about the food we eat when we go back home, etc. She was a nice lady. Then Dr. Eaton came in. He was such a nice man. We'd met him at our 2nd opinion appointment. He checked Mom out, they discussed "the next step." That being the next round of chemo. They said that they suggest taking her Hawaii trip as planned & when she returns, they would start chemo immediately. Mom agreed. We went out to the scheduling girl, scheduled the bloodwork dates, the first date of chemo...everything.
We were then sent downstairs to the lab to do bloodwork. By this point, Mom was so tired. She just kept falling asleep in the wheelchair as we pushed her around. I know that by the time we'd left the SCCA, it was after 5pm & Dad had decided that he was going to come home instead of going to work.
Earlier in the week, we had made plans to have dinner at my house on this night. Kapua & her family showed up early to get things started while we made our way towards home. Mom asked me to stop at Bubble Island to get a bubble tea. When we pulled up, she told me that she wanted a mango one & i swear she asked for sour apple jelly. When they didn't have sour apple jelly, i said "ok" to the mango & went to the car. She gave me this look & asked about the sour apple. I told her that they didn't have sour apple jelly. She said "NO! sour apple bubble tea for uncle!" I laughed because she was clearly annoyed with me, because i couldn't hear her. She could hardly talk at all without taking a few breaths between words.
After we got her & Uncle's bubble tea, we dropped Auntie Sue & Uncle Pete off at their house, dropped Uncle Glenn & Auntie Momi at their car at Mom's house, then we headed to my house. A few people were already here, prepping food, hanging out & what not. Clancey helped Mom up the stairs & into the house. She wanted to sit on the recliner, where I covered her with a blanket, put her box of kleenex next to her & just let her relax. Well she couldn't relax. She just looked uneasy & uncomfortable. When we asked if she was ok, she'd just nod that was. This continued for a few hours. She ate a bowl of soup. But still couldn't get comfortable. I remember looking over at her from my dining room & saying "are you ok?" & she motioned for me to come to her.
She told me that she was feeling anxious as she rubbed her chest. That she didn't know why. I asked if it was because the kids were running around & making too much noise & she shook her head no. She didn't know what was going on. I told her that I'd check with her in 10 minutes & if she wanted to, I could take her home.
The 10 minutes didn't even pass, when she told Auntie Sue that she wanted to go home. This wasn't like her to leave like that. She was always the last to leave. Always.
So we all kind of looked at one another because we all knew that this wasn't like her, some of us stood up to say goodbye & I had asked the boys that were over to come with me. I was scared to go by myself. Scared that I wouldn't be able to get her upstairs to her room. Dad had gone to the pharmacy to pick up her meds & then met us at the house. He pulled up the same time as I did. I remember going to her side of the van, opening the door & helping her turn her legs out so that she can get ready to stand up. When she stood up, she exhaled through her mouth & I smelled this thing that I will never forget...
Months earlier, I had overheard a conversation regarding "the smell." I don't recall what was said of this smell, but once you smell it, you never forget it. I still to this day have no idea what it is.
Clancey & Uncle Pete came over to take each arm & to help her get up to her room. I stood outside with Kaipo & just cried. I cried hard. I told him that he needed to take care of his Mom & tell her that he loved her, because this just sucks. I remember that at some point, I had called Kapua to come over & she showed up not long after with Auntie Jos. I also remember calling Marcel & asking him to check out of his job, because I didn't think my Mom was going to make it through the night.
The guys had gotten Mom up to her room in her bed. I didn't go up for quite awhile. I'd go in to check on her & her breathing was just so shallow. I was so scared. Uncle Pete had suggested that I call the SCCA & tell them of her shallow breathing & what not. I don't remember much of the conversation. However, I do know that while I was on the phone with the nurse, Kapua was in the room with Mom & something had happened where Mom's eyes opened really wide & she was staring up at the ceiling. Kapua explained it being really scary. I'm convinced that she was seeing angels, grandpa & all of our friends & family that had passed.
After some time had passed, I went downstairs in the living room while Dad & Kapua was upstairs with Mom. Those of us in the living room had discussed the possibility of getting a late night phone call & what "the plan" was going to be. I don't remember a plan ever being decided on. When Kapua had come downstairs with Auntie Jos, she said that Mom said that she was ok & to go home. And they did. I waited a bit, because now I was afraid to leave Dad. I didn't want a repeat of what had happened in 2005 with her collapsing in his arms & him being alone & afraid. I contemplated for what seemed like eternity whether I should go or not. Dad told me that he would be ok, that I should go home, because Ry was home & everyone was at the house waiting for me to come back to tend to her.
I walked over to Mom, I grabbed her hand & I begged her to let me call 911. She yanked her hand away & slapped it against the pillow that was on her lap & shook her head in a tantrum type manner. She didn't want that. I knew it, but I just wanted someone there who would know what to do. I walked out of the room & cried. When I came back, she told me that she was ok & to go home. I kissed her on her forehead & said that i'd be back in the morning. I went in the hallway & Dad told me that he'd be ok & would call me if anything happened. I jumped in the van & drove home to a house full of people.
Some folks left shortly after, some stayed to clean up & talk a little. I had told Kapua & Uncle that I hadn't had my "talk" with her yet. Uncle suggested that I go back & have the conversation with her. I explained to them that I wanted to be there, but I also didn't want to be there. Not long afterwards, everyone was gone.
Marcel was working til 3am, so I grabbed Ry, put her on my chest, grabbed a blanket & slept on the couch. My intention was to wait til Marcel got home, leave Ry with him while I go to Mom's house. I fell asleep.
I woke up to my phone ringing at 2:40am. A call from Dad that Mom had stopped breathing & that he had called 911. I grabbed Ry, ran up to my room, put her on my bed & changed my clothes. I tried to call Marcel's phone, but no answer. I remember standing over her trying to figure out if I should pack her up in her car seat. She was sound asleep. From that point to driving out of my neighborhood is a blur. The next thing I remember & still have flashbacks to, is the moment that I was driving up Hoyt Rd toward the Walgreens & driving slow. I drove slow on purpose. I didn't want to arrive before the ambulance did. I didn't want to go in to the house & find her unresponsive. I was scared that I'd be there with Dad, not knowing what to do for her & completely losing it.
I remember taking the turn down their street where all i could see was flashing lights & big red trucks in front of their house. I remember feeling sick to my stomach as I grabbed Ry in her baby carseat & ran toward the house because it was freezing. I remember walking through the garage & being greeted by Uncle Pete before hitting the door to enter the house & he said "ok, they're working on her. But it's not a pretty sight. CPR is scary & it looks scary, so just walk behind me, I'll take Ry & don't look up while we walk to the kitchen. They're right in the living room working on her ok?" I don't remember if i said ok or not, but i remember grabbing his shoulder & looking down, walking through the door & looking up the stairs.
She was lying on the ground. A man was kneeling down next to her, maybe 2 or 3 of them & 1 of them was pumping on her chest hard. I remember a gasp coming from my mouth, turning around & walking back outside.
Dad came out, held me & told me that they were working hard to bring her back, but that she wasn't in pain & that she's ok & it doesn't hurt. I forget what else he said, but I was so scared. I called my Auntie Day in Honolulu & tried my best to explain what was going on. She ended up talking to Dad.
It seemed like eternity while I stood in the garage just waiting for someone to say something. I then remember a man walking out of the house & saying that they were getting ready to transport her to the ambulance. I told Uncle Pete that I didn't want to see her come out & that i'd wait in the van. He said 'ok.' I sat in the van waiting for the heat to kick in & shortly after, Uncle Pete brought Ry out to me. I called my sister inlaw to meet me at the ER to take Ry. I waited some more & stared out the front windshield waiting for them to take her. And when I finally saw her on the stretcher going out to the ambulance, i heard this song playing...
I waited for forever for the ambulance guys to get in & drive away so that I could follow. Then i saw a car approaching, which was Marcel. Then Dad came out & said that the ambulance couldn't leave until Mom had a heartbeat & when they moved her from the house to the ambulance, she had one. But once they got her in, they had lost it again & were trying to get her back. When they did, they drove off, I followed with Dad & Ry in the van, Marcel followed behind me & Uncle Pete followed behind him.
When we reached the ER, they took Mom right in & Dad jumped out of my van to be with her while I handed Ry over to my sister inlaw. I asked Uncle Pete to go in with Dad, because I didn't want Dad to be alone. Marcel waited for me to finish up things with my sister inlaw & we went in to the waiting room. I swear that we had only sat there for 2 minutes before Marcel said "i'll be right back, i have to go to the bathroom." As soon as he stood up & walked to the bathroom & the door closed, Uncle Pete came from behind the receptionist desk walking toward me...
His eyes were red. He looked at me as he walked closer to me. His arms were slightly bent & his hands were palms up & he shook his head in a "no" motion & said that she was gone. He came over & held me as I cried loudly in his arms. I then heard Marcel coming out of the bathroom & walking over & then taking over Uncle Pete's position from there on.
I don't know who called who or how the news had traveled, but it traveled fast. Before I know it, Uncle Kamaile was there, Kapua was there, Alaka'i was there, Auntie Sue was there, all of my hula sisters, all of my hula family, my cousins, Chelsea & Chandra, my father inlaw. They were all there.
It took me hours before I had decided to go in to see Mom. I was pretty reluctant to see her, as I wanted to remember her the way I'd seen her last. But after awhile, I wanted to go in. I walked in to the room which was filled with everyone sitting around her & I stared at her. I remember touching her face. Touching her arms, her hands...they were so cold. I remember kissing her. And then I remember giggling, because she looked like she was sleeping. We all then sat around & talked. About her. About our recent trip to Ia Oe. About what she should wear for her service. We cried. We laughed.
It wasn't until about this point that I had found out the details about what had happened after I'd left the house. Dad said that Mom was just frustrated & couldn't get comfortable. No matter what he did or she did. She was agitated. After awhile, she'd fall asleep here & there, but wouldn't sleep long before tossing & turning again. During one of her small naps, Dad went into the computer room to change into his shorts. While he was changing, he heard her clap her hands for his attention. She didn't have much of a voice, so this was her way of getting anyone's attention. When he looked across the hall at her laying in her bed, she was looking at him, had her hands out reaching for him...almost beckoning him like a baby does for help up. He ran over to her, grabbed her arms to help her sit up, put her legs over the edge of the bed next to his & he put his arm around her as she put her head on his shoulder. He said that not even a few minutes had passed & he couldn't hear her breathing anymore. He called her name, shook her shoulders while she was still slumped down against his shoulder & there was nothing. He then laid her back on the bed & her eyes were wide open & so was her mouth & there was no breath. She was gone. He ran downstairs to call 911 & they asked him to start CPR on her. He ran back upstairs, grabbed her under her head & legs, carried her down to the living room where there was more room & began CPR until the medics got there. He & I are convinced that she was no longer there by the time the ambulance had shown up. So even though her death certificate reads that her time of death was 3:51am, to us, her time of death was 2:40am shortly before he'd called me.
After a couple of hours at the hospital, we decided that it was time to say our last goodbyes. Dad had decided to have her corneas donated & when we were done with our goodbyes, they would have her transported to the funeral home where things would be handled from there. Before leaving the hospital, Dad, Uncle Kamaile, Uncle Pete & I sat in the room. We each took turns saying our last goodbye. And we left.
My house was filled off & on all day long with loved ones & we ended the evening with everyone coming over & eating & just being together. Because really, that's all that I wanted. Was to be surrounded by everyone who loved her just as much as I did.
Today, as I reflect on the last days with my Mom, i'm reminded of how wonderful of a woman she was. How much everyone loved her dearly. How strong she was up until the very end. And how she left here exactly like she wanted to. Looking back, I believe that she knew in California that it would be her last trip & that after winning those trophies, that halau would be ok. I believe that while she was at the casino the day before, she knew that it would be her last time there, so she wanted to stay as long as she could. I believe that while we were at the SCCA, she didn't want to sit with the hospice lady, because she wouldn't need them. I believe that she knew that Dad would be ok without her, because they had prayed that morning about allowing God to do what was good for her. I believe that she thought Uncle Kamaile would be ok, because halau had made a great impression at Ia Oe & that it would be a stepping stone to getting to Hilo, however with Uncle, I don't think he's completely healed from losing his best friend.
For me, I've found peace with Mom's passing. I know that she's no longer suffering, she's no longer sick & is living to her fullest. However, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I often look over in my passenger seat & remember her sitting there next to me going where ever we needed to go. I look at things that remind me of things that I did with her. I see things that I wished she was here to see too. Out of everything, I just miss her presence more than anything. Even in her most quietest moments, her presence was loud & always appreciated & loved.
Momma....i miss you so much. And I love you so very much. I look at my pictures on my wall everyday & wish for you to be here with me. To be here with my kids. To be here with halau. To be here with Dad. I just wish that I could have you back here with me again...i love you.
**The last photo taken with Mom - Ia Oe E Ka La 2009**
This morning I am a bit anxious. Dates are just numbers yet hold so much meaning & I refuse to let the date haunt me for the rest of my life. As I look back on the dates that have passed & at the dates that are arriving, it only reminds me of what was going on at this time last year. It reminds me of how scared I was, how scared I was for you, how scared I was to lose you, how scared I was for Dad, how scared I was for halau, how scared I was for Uncle. This is what I wrote on this day last year...
And I believe that was the first time that I was so bluntly honest about how you were so weak. I remember crying a lot back then. I was just scared.
**You'll have to excuse me, because I've spent a lot of time today reminiscing about these last days last year**
Well we are back from Ia Oe E Ka La & we did great!! We came home with 4 trophies...
**2nd Place - Group Kane Kahiko
**2nd Place - Group Palua Kahiko
**1st Place - Group Palua Auana
**3rd Place - Solo Wahine
We had such a good time & it was so obvious that your presence was very much missed. From the moment we stepped on the stage for our run through, to going on stage, coming off stage & in the dressing room. You surrounded all of us & we felt it.
Just before I went on for my solo kahiko, i stood behind the curtain as the 2 ladies waited for my nod to open the curtain. I took a few deep breaths, I looked up & said "you ready Mama??" It makes me laugh now, because I think it would've been funny if there was some sort of response...like me tripping on stage or something. LOL Just before going on for auana, I did the same....took a few deep breaths, I looked up & said "here we go Mom!" I was so at peace on stage, I wasn't nervous or anything. However, I looked at Gram a little too early. Earlier than I wanted to. When I saw her, she had both hands by her nose, clutching on to a kleenex. I started to cry at that moment & was in complete blurry cry baby mode by the time I started my ho'i. But it's ok.
This weekend, we've got a few things lined up to celebrate you. I hope you enjoy. Auntie Day sent a lei that is making my house smell so nice...i love it. I love you & am missing you so much today, which is no different than any other day.
Well today is the day!! Everyone is still asleep & I am up, packed & ready to go. We are leaving for Oakland today for Ia Oe E Ka La. I'm so excited for this trip, but also so sad at the same time. I'm excited to get out of town & away from "responsibilities" for 5 days, represent halau in the best way possible & perform. In the background, I am sad, because this is the last trip that we took together last year. Tons of emotions ran through all of us during that trip & while we danced for you last year...this year is in memory of you.
I hope that on Friday during my solo, that you grab a front row spot & watch over me proudly. I hope that you love my songs. I hope that you love what we did with one of your old mu'u. I know that you will be with me this weekend & I just hope that you enjoy the show...from all of us, because we will be missing you so much during this trip.
I love you...
PS - Gram arrived last night. She said "hi sistaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" lol
How are you? I'm doing ok tonight. Just been thinking a lot about you lately. Lots of reminiscing, lots of memories, lots of thinking about how the year has gone by so quickly.
Tonight I had solo practice & I finally feel ok with my songs...beginning to end. I plan on getting in some dance time every night up until we leave...every night except for saturday anyway.
About a week ago I came across a blog that brought back so many things.
This was the first entry that I read...CLICK HERE.
And then today, i went back & read that her daddy had passed & read this....CLICK HERE.
I remember the last 24 hours so vividly....but I will save it for another day.
I love you. so. much. I miss you, your smile, your will to fight, your love for everyone. I miss holding your hand, I miss kissing you hello & goodbye, I miss going in to the house to find you sitting in the recliner with your bags ready to go, I miss helping you down the stairs & I miss helping you get in to the van. I miss the massive amounts of kleenex that were in your pockets. I miss how you couldn't speak a whole sentence without taking a breath in the middle of it. I miss how with just one look, i knew whether you were having a good day or a bad day.
I remember last year at Ia Oe, I was the last to arrive in Oakland & the van that I was in was late to the venue. When we walked in to the dressing room, it was so obvious that everyone had been crying & i had missed whatever had just happened. I looked over to you, sitting on the seat of the walker & you waved me over. I went to kiss you hello & you hugged me & said "i'm so glad that you're here." Even though I had a rough day that day prior to that, with Marcel going in to the ER finding out that he was diabetic, I too was so glad to be there with you.
How are you today? Anything exciting? Not much going on today, other than the usual here at home, then i'll be heading to halau later on. Palua & Kane have practice tonight. We're down to the last weeks before Ia Oe & we're getting down to the "cleaning up" in all of our songs. I'm feeling pretty confident in our group songs, kahiko & auana, but not so much in my solo songs. I'm having a hard time putting together my kahiko & making it flow. It's frustrating.
Guess who's coming? Gram!! She arrives here on the night before we leave for Ia Oe, then we fly to Oakland the following day for 5 days, then she'll be coming back to Seattle until we all fly home the following week. It'll be so nice to have her here & travel with halau. I'm especially looking forward to her being here for your one year.
Last week, 16 of us traveled to San Jose for Ka Hula Hou. We had the best time. For us girls that traveled, it was so relaxing & nice to just be there & support & help where needed. For the boys, they worked hard & did great. You know what was nice, Uncle Mark mentioned you a couple of times & even after the competition was done, we had a moment in the back dressing room, we cried & he mentioned how he missed you. We had a similar moment last year at Ia Oe & that was before you had even left us. A few folks actually asked where you were or shared their condolences with us. It's so nice to know that you are missed.
I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. While i'm sad that i can't share the daily things with you & have you here for selfish reasons, i'm so happy that you are healthy & stronger than you've ever been. I can give up my selfish needs to have you smiling, laughing, breathing well & enjoying life to the fullest. I know that you are always looking down on me, dad, my family & halau & that you miss us too.
For the past few days, I've been anxiously anticipating the next few weeks that are ahead of me. I don't mean the trips & responsibilities that I have, I mean reflecting on the past...on the particular dates coming up.
If I had known then, (then being on this day last year), what I know now....I wouldn't have gone to Long Beach, WA.
Last year on this day, I took a 3 day vacation without the kids with Marcel for our anniversary. We slept in, had breakfast & decided to take a drive on the beach that stretched for miles. I scolded him for driving too close to the water, because I was afraid that we'd get swept out to sea. We drove by a family who was posing with a penguin & he made fun of me for "seeing things." We made a u-turn so that he could see that I was right & he was wrong. We made another u-turn to go back in the direction we were headed & drove until we saw signs indicating that we couldn't go any further.
So again, we made another u-turn & headed back where we came from. Again, I yelled at him to get away from the water, because this time it was on my side & if we get swept out, he'd have a chance to jump out of the truck & i'd be stuck, because I can't swim.
And then my phone rang. "Auntie Sue" on my caller i.d. I answered excitedly, because I knew that it was around the time that you'd be getting out of your appointment & that she'd have an update for me. Perhaps I had hoped that she'd tell me that they found nothing & that it's miraculously all gone. Isn't that what everyone hopes for?
That's not what she told me. In fact, when I answered, I don't even think I said "hello," I think I just said "how'd it go?" because I was anxiously awaiting this call. She was crying & said "not good." She told me that the cancer had spread to Mom's brain. There was 4 tumors. I really don't remember much after that, only that I was silent, crying & shaking.
I felt so awful for not being there at THAT particular appointment. More so that one, because I don't think that I had missed any appointments up to that point. And the one that handed a huge let down? Just not ok.
Marcel found a driveway to get off of the beach & I told him that I just wanted to go back to the room. I made phone calls to everyone because I wasn't home. I cried off & on for hours. I knew that I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't want to fall apart on the phone, so I waited until about 4 hours later.
And when you answered & I asked how you were doing, you said...
"Good. Now that I ate something."
That's how I knew you were ready to fight some more & I knew you'd be ok until I got home the next day.
As I leave this weekend to go with the gang to Ka Hula Hou, I will scream, I will have fun & I will help Uncle & the boys out the best that I know how, because I know that's what you would do & what you want done.
By the way, look at the Ka Hula Hou promo video...you're in it!! :)
I love you so much!! And miss you more & more every day.
Mahalo for stopping by!! I started this blog on October 6, 2009 so that I could keep all of our friends & family up to date with Mom & journey with cancer. On November 14, 2009, my Mom passed away in the early hours of the morning. She will be missed by many & I know that her spirit will live on. I was asked to continue this blog so I decided to do so by writing letters to my Mom. Thank you so much for stopping by, please leave a comment below!! It's nice to see that people are still coming by to read...
I had to find a special name for this blog, something personal, something unique. Mom used to sign her letters, cards & email all with the same thing at the end..."Just me, Sweetie"
Dear Mom,
