Dear Mom,
For the past few days, I've been anxiously anticipating the next few weeks that are ahead of me. I don't mean the trips & responsibilities that I have, I mean reflecting on the past...on the particular dates coming up.
If I had known then, (then being on this day last year), what I know now....I wouldn't have gone to Long Beach, WA.
Last year on this day, I took a 3 day vacation without the kids with Marcel for our anniversary. We slept in, had breakfast & decided to take a drive on the beach that stretched for miles. I scolded him for driving too close to the water, because I was afraid that we'd get swept out to sea. We drove by a family who was posing with a penguin & he made fun of me for "seeing things." We made a u-turn so that he could see that I was right & he was wrong. We made another u-turn to go back in the direction we were headed & drove until we saw signs indicating that we couldn't go any further.
So again, we made another u-turn & headed back where we came from. Again, I yelled at him to get away from the water, because this time it was on my side & if we get swept out, he'd have a chance to jump out of the truck & i'd be stuck, because I can't swim.
And then my phone rang. "Auntie Sue" on my caller i.d. I answered excitedly, because I knew that it was around the time that you'd be getting out of your appointment & that she'd have an update for me. Perhaps I had hoped that she'd tell me that they found nothing & that it's miraculously all gone. Isn't that what everyone hopes for?
That's not what she told me. In fact, when I answered, I don't even think I said "hello," I think I just said "how'd it go?" because I was anxiously awaiting this call. She was crying & said "not good." She told me that the cancer had spread to Mom's brain. There was 4 tumors. I really don't remember much after that, only that I was silent, crying & shaking.
I felt so awful for not being there at THAT particular appointment. More so that one, because I don't think that I had missed any appointments up to that point. And the one that handed a huge let down? Just not ok.
Marcel found a driveway to get off of the beach & I told him that I just wanted to go back to the room. I made phone calls to everyone because I wasn't home. I cried off & on for hours. I knew that I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't want to fall apart on the phone, so I waited until about 4 hours later.
And when you answered & I asked how you were doing, you said...
"Good. Now that I ate something."
That's how I knew you were ready to fight some more & I knew you'd be ok until I got home the next day.
As I leave this weekend to go with the gang to Ka Hula Hou, I will scream, I will have fun & I will help Uncle & the boys out the best that I know how, because I know that's what you would do & what you want done.
By the way, look at the Ka Hula Hou promo video...you're in it!! :)
I love you so much!! And miss you more & more every day.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Dear Mama,
How are you today? Anything exciting? Nothing here today. Just being lazy lani with the kids. It's nice to just bum around the house. I did that yesterday too. It's getting a little too comfortable. LOL
The other day I received a video from Melissa Ponder of the interview that she did with you. It was so nice to see you sitting there. When the video opens, you're sitting there staring in to the camera. It was almost as if you were going to say something to me. I laughed at all the words you tried to say & how animated your face got when you'd talk about certain things. All the little small things that I no longer see everyday....I miss those things. I laughed through tears when you were trying to say endocrinologist & that it was a ear, nose & throat specialist, because that's not what it is....but it's so you to say something like that.
In 2 weeks a few of us are off to participate at Uncle Mark Ho'omalu's competition, Ka Hula Hou. I can't wait to go!! The boys have been working so hard & I know that Uncle has high intentions of winning. It adds fuel to his fire when the AHA boys post up videos & comments about how they're going to win. Then the boys die a little more at the next practice.
As for things here, Nunu is enjoying 5th grade. She likes her teacher & hasn't had much homework yet. She's looking forward to middle school & is telling me which one she wants to go to. I don't want to talk about it yet. Ry is NAUGHTY! She's so opposite of Nunu, she's aggressive, she's loud, she hits, she yells & is very independent. Marcel has been working a ton & is learning to take a few days off here & there, which is a surprise. Dad is doing well, still working, yet still enjoying spending time with everybody. I am working on re-vamping my photography business, been doing a lot of zumba (3-5 days a week) & at hula 3 times a week....for now. In October, we add one more practice. I'm sure Marcel will not like that, but it's only for a month.
After Ia Oe, i'm hoping to have a fabulous 1 year get together for you. I can't believe it's almost been a year. Where did the time go?
I hope that you are loving all that you are doing & experiencing things that you never got to when you were here. There are no limitations for you, so do it all. I love you & have been thinking of you so much lately. I hope that you miss me too.
Monday, September 6, 2010
September 6, 2010
Hi Mommy,
Happy Labor Day!! Anything exciting today? Not much at all here. Typically every year we're just coming home from our trip to E Hula Mau. Not this year....we didn't participate & it was also a week earlier this year. As you already know, today is halau's birthday. Today we all spent the day at the halau, having a potluck, hanging out with one another & enjoying the day. It was so nice to relax & just be...
So things are finally feeling a bit normal. Marcel has been working days, I wake up early to get Nunu off to school & while I'm getting this ready for her, Ry wakes up. We get Nunu to school & the day is ours to do as we need to.
I've recently immersed myself in taking zumba at the gym. I love it so much. I'd much rather dance for the hour than work out on weights & the elliptical. My instructor is so much fun & makes the class go by so quickly. I've even taken some of my hula brothers & sisters to class to check it out too.
On top of doing zumba 3-4 days a week, I also have practice 3 times a week. Wednesday night is my solo practice night, then our wahine line has practices on Thursday's & Friday's now. So needless to say, i'm staying active & I enjoy it. I actually feel like i'm doing something for myself & I feel no guilt about it. I love it.
So lately, i've had you on my mind a lot. I dream of you often. In one of my dreams, I remember touching your face & you were still talking to me, telling me that you didn't feel any pain. But as I touched your face, you got colder & colder. Just as cold as you were the last time I touched your face in the hospital room the morning that you passed. I sometimes think that you channel things through Ry. I'm not sure exactly why, but I just do. It fascinates me that every single time Hinano (the bass) comes out, she runs over to it & starts to pluck at the strings. It happens every. single. time. It's so strange.
Anyway, I know that you were missed today while hanging out at halau. And not just today....everyday. Things are just not the same & doesn't run as smoothly as they did when you were here, but i'm trying my best. I love you so much & miss you more than you could ever imagine....
Friday, September 3, 2010
September 3, 2010
MOM!! :)
And then a few days later, I photographed this....
And then 2 days later, this happened...
And then we decided to take a mini-vacation with some of our most favorite people in the world....
And then 3 days after returning from our getaway, I went to my first photography seminar which just so happened to include my favorite photographer, Jasmine Star....
And Nunu started 5th grade. Her last year in elementary school....yikes!!
