Thursday, December 31, 2009

Hi Mom!!

Anything exciting today?  What're you making for your potluck for your New Years party? We'll be at Kapua's house tonight hanging out & eating.  I am attempting to make your mac salad, Candice's banana cream delight & then some chocolate covered strawberries & cake.  Marcel's making sinigung.  I know that Kapua's going to attempt your mac salad today too & is even making your favorite, spaghetti.  It'll be just like you were there.  I'm sure her mac salad will be better than mine, because everything she makes is so good.  It's not fair. HA!

Well i'm looking forward to ending this year & starting fresh tomorrow.  Although this year was filled with many positive & exciting things, all of those things are overshadowed by you no longer being here anymore.  I would've loved to have you just a little bit longer...but really, how long is that?  How could I put a time limit on how much was "good enough" for me?  Sometimes  I think "if she could've just come to Hawaii with us, I would've been happy."  But then comes the next one..."if she could've made it to Christmas, I would've been happy."  And then the worst for me is..."if she could've made it to see RyRy's first birthday, I would've been happy."  It kills me that she will never know you personally, your hugs, your smile, your kisses & your love.  All that she will hear are stories of just how wonderful you were...and I will take that.  I will ask Nunu to share all the wonderful things about you as their Grandma & how much you loved them.  I will make sure to save the photos of you & the kids, so that they will forever have them & I will cherish those for the rest of my life.

As I bring in the New Year tonight, i'll wish you a Happy New Year....listen for me!! 

I love you...


**New Years 2007 to 2008...

Monday, December 28, 2009

Dear Mom,

Anything exciting today? Kapua, Nanea, Ry & I went to lunch then to Old Navy & Target while Auntie Charlene, Kapua & Jess took the kids to see The Chipmunks 2. Kapua & I talked about you & how we (& everyone else) were missing you.

Tomorrow's Uncle's birthday, so I'm going to take Ry & Nunu to his work & we're going to make him a rice/spam/egg birthday cake just like we did for Dad this year....remember?



I forgot to tell you that last week at the halau Christmas party, Kili took another picture of Kapua, Rachel & I. Only this year it was WITH the babies, unlike last years when we were all pregnant...

**last years halau Christmas party...


**this years halau Christmas party...


Well, i'm feeling like Suzie Homemaker today. I cleaned house, made corn chowder for dinner & am baking cakes right now. I KNOW!!

Anyway, I hope that you are enjoying yourself. I miss you everyday.

Love you.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Dear Mom,

How was your Christmas? Did you get anything good? Did you have your own Christmas party? I'm sure you did...playing tons of games & eating ono food.

Our Christmas was good too. The kids got all kinds of good stuff. Nunu got clothes, DS games & a video game chair (yikes) & Ry got some toys & clothes. We spent Christmas day at Uncle Kamo's house, we ate prime rib, king crab, ham, potato salad, rice & veggies. THEN we went to meet the gang at Muckleshoot for dinner. There was about 27 of us. It was so neat to go there & not have to wait for food to cook or clean up!! I think that just may be a new tradition!!

We are all definitely missing you this year. It's not just me. I received a few text messages, saw a lot of Facebook updates & saw on people's faces that this year was just different without you here. I went to the house yesterday & put a picture of the girls in a "I love my Grandma" frame next to your urn. I sat on the bed, stared at the urn & the photos that surround it & told you that i loved you & missed you....i do. Very much.

I'm trying my best to move forward, but it's just hard when someone that I used to talk to several times a day & see everyday is no longer here. I know that you don't want us to be sad, but it's hard not to be. I miss everything about you & dream of you often...

i love you.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dear Mom,

Today is a rough day for me.  I've been crying off & on all day long, since I woke up.  But I know that I am not the only one missing you today (and everyday), I hear a few of us are all taking the holidays a little rough right now.  But I know you...I know that you'd want us to continue & have a good time.  If not for us, for the kids...because we know that you loved making sure that the kids were taken care of during Christmas time.

We bought Ry a few gifts.  1 big noisy toy with lots of buttons & music & then a bunch of warm clothes.  Nyomi has all kinds of stuff...from clothes, to a new robe, house slippers & of course, a DS game. I think we kind of went overboard with her, especially knowing that she'll get a lot from everyone else too.  Oh well!  I have a picture frame here that I got for you to put next to your urn at the house & it says "I love Grandma" & I put the girls picture in it.  I have to go & take it to the house tomorrow.

Today we'll be at my inlaws like we usually are every year.  Dad went with Uncle Glenn & Auntie Momi to lunch, then shopping then they'll be hanging out at their house for the day, having dinner & what not.  Tomorrow, we'll be heading over to Uncle Kamo's house in the afternoon, then we're meeting Uncle, Auntie Nana, her family, Kapua & her family & inlaws at Muckleshoot.  I know, I know...what the hell?  (lol)  No one felt like cooking & cleaning up...so we thought we'd try something new this year & GO OUT to eat, so that someone else can clean up!  I think it sounds like a GREAT idea.  And it'll remind me of you, since you loved it there.

I'm missing you so much today & I just wish that you could be here with us...

I love you.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Morning Mom,

Yesterday the halau Christmas party went well! We played games, we ate, we laughed, we ate, we played the white elephant game, we ate, then watched the slideshow...and ate again.

Dad brought your urn to the halau wrapped up in the velvet blue bag with the maroon vinyl bag over that. We laughed about how we should put it on the white elephant table & let someone pick you. We decided that you'd laugh about it too, so we did just that. Nalani picked the bag, because the bag was so pretty. She opened it up & said " is this an urn?" while we all laughed at her. We told her that we thought it would be funny & then let her pick another gift. It was hilarious.

Kili directed a few games which included the humming game. Each table was a team, so you had to send a "hummer" up to Kili for the song to hum, then go back to your table & have them guess it first. Of course, the cheating table...which included Auntie Sue, Auntie Charlene & Uncle won, but when it was my turn, my table came up close to the front of the room & Kapua mouthed to me "cover her mouth." So when Auntie Charlene & I got our song to hum, we turned towards our teams & when Kili yelled go, I put my right hand over Auntie's mouth, held her close with my left hand & started humming. Our corner was yelling & rolling from laughing. It was SO funny. And you know Auntie...she yelled at me & told me that she'd get me back.

It was a great day & it was so obvious that everyone misses you. There was a lot of tears during the slideshow & I cried again watching the part with you...even though i've seen it four times already.

Last night I had a dream. It seemed so real. And this morning I woke up kind of excited because I thought it was real. I was at home & my phone rang with your ring tone, Iz's - Somewhere Over The Rainbow & your name showed up. I answered it & asked what you were doing today. You were out Christmas shopping with Auntie Charlene. I asked who you guys were buying for & where else you were going & told you to call me when & if you go to dinner...

I miss you. I love you. And I still cry everyday because I still can't believe that you're not here anymore...

Friday, December 18, 2009

Dear Mama,

It's about 10:20pm & I'm done getting my things together for tomorrow. Tomorrow is the halau Christmas party. I know that you originally had it for Sunday, but we changed it to Saturday. Kili is in charge of games. We didn't find a Santa, but i think it'll be fine if Uncle passes out the gifts to the kids. We're doing the white elephant gift exchange as usual & the raffle also. I have things to raffle off & i'm really excited about it...i'll tell you what it is later, in case someone is reading this!

Tonight Nunu is at my inlaws helping my mother inlaw bake her Christmas cookies & biscotti, Marcel is working & Ry is sleeping. Daddy just called & he's working too.

Guess what? Ry is crawling all over now! I just wish she'd crawl over to me when she gets upset...instead she just lays there & screams! ha!

Ry crawling!

tj© | MySpace Video

Well, I know that tomorrow's slideshow will spark tears, but I just don't want anyone to ever forget you.

I love you...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Dear Mama,

I miss you.

I've been working on getting the slideshow together for the halau Christmas party this Saturday & it will be hard to finally put it all together with the music & everything. There are so many pictures of you, as there always is. I'm debating on whether to put the piece of you dancing with Na Leo in it. It might spark tears early on in the video if I put it in the May segment...maybe I'll just leave it for the ending. We'll see.

I've been trying to pick up where you left off as far everything goes but am having a hard time trying to figure out where to start. I want to wave my hands over everything & have it all be done. Too bad it's not that simple.

I still have the cut up t-shirt & sweatshirt here on the table from when the EMT's cut it off of you. I pick it up & smell it often...it smells like you. I have 2 framed photos that Auntie Jan made that sit here on the table, next to the box of cards that we received from your service in Seattle. I know that I have to move forward...holomua...but am just having a hard time letting you go.

I love you...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Mom,

Nothing exciting today for me. Today is Marcel's 31st birthday & he spent his day working & will spend the evening relaxing at home while I take the girls to hula. I asked him today when he called on his lunch break if he minded me going to hula tonight & he did not. My inlaws are going to call him later to invite him over for dinner & to give him his card.

Tonight is going to be my first night back dancing. I haven't danced since this...



We did have class the week that you passed, but I didn't feel like dancing. I wanted to save & remember that last time for just a little longer. Tonight I'm excited to go back & have that little bit of normalcy back.

Today was a hard day for me. I cried off & on all day long. I'm just missing you is all & wish that we could just go back. Even for just one more day.

We're trying to plan our halau Christmas party, which is set for next week. I decided that we were not going to do secret santa gift exchange this year, because time is just too short. But we are going to do the white elephant & kids gifts from Santa. I wasn't planning on doing the yearly slideshow as I usually do, because I don't have much time (just 1 week) & just wasn't in to it. But today Daddy asked me if I would, so that I could pay tribute to Auntie Pat, Uncle Val & you as I do for all of those that we lose each year. I will try my hardest this week to get it done, but I know it won't be as well as the other years have been.

I miss you like crazy...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Dear Mom,

Anything exciting today? :) Ry woke me up at 9am & so I decided to get up, get ready & we went grocery shopping. The Safeway by your house had a re-grand opening & they sent coupons out for a free case of water, free apple juice, & free eggs (which i would've given to you). Now Ry is down for a nap & I can catch up on some things.

Yesterday I went by the house while Dad was at his dentist appointment. Prior to coming home from Honolulu, I thought that I'd put your urn in the bottom of your china hutch along with all of the maile lei from the service. But ever since we came home, Dad has put the urn on your bed & left it in the room, because that's where you always were & liked to be. So when I went to the house yesterday, I decided to clear off the top of the dresser & made a spot there. The urn is surrounded by the maile & photos of the kids. Dad said he liked it there & that the room smelled so nice.

Tonight I'm meeting Kapua at the halau & we're going to try & organize ourselves & figure out where you left off. I found the notebook next to your bed that has a bunch of information in it that will be helpful for us.

I know that you are happy & pain free now & are playing games with aunties from Secret Society up there. I hope that you're having a great day....i love you.

Just me,
Tani

***************************

To those of you that are still following this blog, I am working on an entry that will tell of Mom's last 2 days. The last entry of her living was on the day that she & Dad went to the casino. Hopefully by this time next week, I will have that up for all of you. Aloha for continuing to visit.


**Ry & Nunu at the Natatorium


**Daddy with Ry & Nunu & your urn at the Natatorium

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Dear Mom,

We're all back home in Seattle from our trip to Honolulu.  It's FREEZING here!!  When we left Honolulu it was low 80's & when we landed in Seattle it was 25 degrees.

Our trip back home was nice, but definitely not the same.  I tried my best to have a good time, but it wasn't a vacation for me.  I understood that my family wanted to go to the beach, but I just wanted to surround myself with the family.

I can't believe 3 weeks have already gone by & I miss you so much. I find myself wanting to call you to say the usual "anything exciting today?"  or sending you a picture text of the girls or Ry doing something funny.  Lately she's been sticking her tongue out, licking her lips & then smacking her lips as if something tastes good.  It's pretty funny.

While I know that you are in a better place, I still wish that I could have you here with me.  I never minded helping you get around, get up off of the bed, drive you around & taking you places.  I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

I miss you so much...

Just me,
Tani

Mom's Seattle Service

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I am still currently in Honolulu & both of Mom's services are complete. Looking back on them both, the only regret that I now have, is that we didn't bring anyone with us to take photos of the service here in Honolulu. In Seattle, I asked my hula sister, Kili & a very good friend, Nic to take photos of Mom's service. I wanted to make sure that I remembered that day & so that I can see all that had attended in case, I didn't get a chance to see them in the line.


Today, while visiting Kili's blog, I saw that she had posted her photos. I am having a hard time embedding the slideshow here, but please visit Kili's bog by clicking HERE. I will hopefully be receiving some of Nic's photo's soon so that I can add them here as well.

While we were saying our "hello's" & "goodbye's," I was asked several times to continue this blog. I was thinking about doing so prior to everyone asking, but now I just need to find a new direction with it. I can't decide whether I want to keep it up with my family's adventures & lives or if I'd like to write the entries as letters to Mom. I think I'm leaning more towards letters to Mom. We'll see...