Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Dear Mom,

Sometimes I find myself thinking of you at the most random times during the day.  But not a day goes by that I don't think about the things that we did or the fun times we had or what you would do in similar situations.  I think about all the things that Ry does now & how I wish that you could see how much "personality" she has.  I know you see her, but I wish that I could look at you while you watch her....so I can see you take it all in & be proud.

I'm a mess this evening.  And it seems like I've been crying for almost 2 hours straight now.  Ugh...

I have to tell you a story before I go on.  I know that you won't read this, but it'll fill others in on my experience..(which I will post a story of Mom's last day one day soon...i promise, it's just hard & i know that you understand)

In the wee hours of Saturday, November 14th, 2009, the EMT crews were trying to get heartbeat before transferring you to the ambulance.  I was in the garage because I didn't want to see them working on you.  When I heard that they were going to move you to the ambulance, I didn't want to see you like that & I told Uncle Pete that I didn't want to be there when they brought you out.  He told me to go to the van & wait in there & that he would bring Ry out to me in a bit.  He had taken her in her carseat, into the house, in the kitchen, because it was so cold outside earlier when we arrived at the house.  I sat in the car & warmed it up, defrosted the windows & as I peered out through the glass, I saw them wheeling you out on the gurney & loading you up in to the ambulance.  There was a Hawaiian mixed CD playing in the CD player.  It was labeled Ami Hanaiali'i, but it was a mix of artists.  I remember the song playing was so beautiful, slow...but pretty.  It was #2 on this mixed CD.  And every time when I hear this #2 song play..I cry.  Not like a baby, but most times it's just a few tears, because I get taken back to that moment of them wheeling you out from the garage, across the driveway, into the ambulance...it's like slow motion.

About a month ago, Dad, Uncle & I were all in the van going somewhere & the song came on.  I asked Uncle "what is this song about?" & he listened & said "OH NO!  This is a sad song!!"  I asked again & he said "it's about a man who loses his wife & he writes a letter to her asking her where she is, about how he smells her scent in the breeze & is missing her."

So fitting isn't it?

Anyway, on the way home from halau tonight, this song came on & I cried again.  A little more than usual as I replayed the night in my head again & then started to reminisce of all the things that we did together, the fun times, the sad times, the food we ate & mostly the things that you're missing right now.

I love you...